Monday, April 9, 2007

Some More Information

This is a joke, but I think that after you visit for a couple days, you will understand why sometimes, I feel like Boston is on a different planet. :)

Information on Boston and the surrounding area:
There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, and no water on Water Street.

Back Bay streets are in alphabetical 'oddah': Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.

Massachusetts Ave is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Ave is Comm Ave. South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie. The North End is east of the former West End. The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P.

How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly:
Worcester: Wuhsta (or Wistah)
Gloucester: Glawsta
Leicester: Lesta
Woburn: Wooban
Dedham: Dedim (like denim w/ a D in the N pace)
Revere: Re-vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Tewksbury: Tooks berry
Leominster: Lemon-sta
Peabody: Peabuddy
Waltham: Walth-ham
Chatham: Chattum

Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't.
If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
Soda is CLUB SODA.
'Pop' is Dad.
When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod.
It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah.
It's not a trashcan; it's a barrel.
It's not a spucky; it's a sub.
It's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage.
It's not a purse; it's a pockabook.
They're not franks; they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.
Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a 'crooza'. If you take the bus, you're on the 'looza crooza'.
It's not a rubber band, it's an elastic.
It's not a traffic circle, it's a rotary.
'Going to the islands' means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket.
If something's good, it's 'pissa'. If something's really good, it's 'wicked pissa'.

Things not to do:
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd .. they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville).
Don't sleep in the Common. (Boston Common)
Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.

Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, three Hancock buildings (one old, one not so old,one new.)
The colored lights on top the not so old Hancock tell the wetha:
'Solid blue, clear view....'
'Flashing blue, clouds due....'
'Solid red, rain ahead....'
'Flashing red, snow instead....'(except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out)
Route 128 is also I-95 south. It's also I-93 north.
The underground train is not a subway. It's the 'T', and it doesn't run all night.
Order the 'cold tea' in China Town after 2:00 am you'll get a kettle full of beer.

So, please, my wonderful friends, use this information judiciously, PLEASE don't go to Chinatown after 2:00 in the morning, and practice up on your "wicked pissahs." I use it all the time, and in no way is that weird.


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